As yet Untitled

[Reags]

"Finished" this just now, needs work. Thoughts?


Verse 1
I'll never forget what you said
The day you flew away
With your travel bags and coffee mug
That'd last to the USA
I said ill see you in a month or two
You just said that could be years for all you know

Bridge
Now I wonder if she smiled at the time
Because that makes all the difference in the world

Chorus
You can say things you don't believe
You can just lie to me
But I know what you really mean
Because it all comes down to delivery

Verse 2
I'm sure you remember the day
We spent some time at the sea
The waves got me all sentimental
And I said something stupid
From there we started to slip
My mouth is my worst enemy

Bridge

Chorus

Outro???
If home is just a place to keep the heart
Let me be your place by the sea

[millrat]

I like the chorus. I guess I would have to hear the song though to see how the rest of it comes together, you know the phrasing of the lines and stuff.

[Quit Beeping]

I might want to "save" the bridge for later in the song. As it raises another question after you have already established a bit of a story.

You might consider
V1
Chorus
Bridge
V2
Outro/chorus

[Reags]

The idea behind the bridge section was to act as a transfer mechanism (a bridge....) between the conversational style of the verses and the chorus.

I do see what you mean though. Perhaps a rethink is in order...

Any other comments?

[Reags]

Just did a re-work. Shortened the bridge to one line. Still works, i think.

Thoughts??



Ill never forget what you said
The day you flew away
With your travel bags and coffee mug
That'd last back to the USA
I said ill see you in a month or two
You just said that could be years for all you know

Now I wonder if you smiled at the time

You can say things you don’t believe
You can just lie to me
And I’ll wonder what you really mean
Not in the words but in the delivery

I’m sure you remember the day
We spent some time at the sea
And the waves got me all sentimental
I jumped the gun and said something stupid
And from there we slipped
My mouth is my worst enemy

If you knew how I cried at the time

I can say things the wrong way
I can butcher what I meant to say
And you’ll never know what I mean
Not in my words but in my melody

If home is just a place to keep the heart
Let me be your place by the sea

[millrat]

I like the re-worked version much better

[Reags]

Thanks for the feedback milrat, I like the new version better aswell.

Now the challenge of setting it to music.

[freetime]

You should title it "I have a gun" because you mentioned something about a gun in it

[Reags]

freetime, thats a sweet title. I may very well use it.

You said I mentioned a gun and I was like "I did"? had to re-read it to remind myself haha.