first try here...

[nick b]

hey everyone, looking for some critique's here. this is my first (or actually a revision of my first) song, so i know it's pretty awful, but i need the help more than my pride, so here it is! haha


I want to return to the forests, where tall trees grow
Leaving even my skin, I'll carry nothing in stow.
I'll listen to the river and learn its dance.
Returning to life, after relieving my stance.

We can always stop this tiresome illusion,
Free our minds and end our pollution.
We can gather red berries and listen to the fish
Learning from those that existed before this.

Let's go back to the mountains and streams,
Hear the birds talk in their joyful screams.
We'll watch the clouds clash like giants of paper
We'll dull the edge of this sharpened razor.

So now I return the apple to the snake,
And give my soul to nature,
For it was always hers to take

[Mr.Excitement]

Real meaning, there.
Overall, I like the song.
A couple of words changed may help the flow.
I would like to hear it put to music;

Jim

[Reags]

I agree with Jim, maybe a few changes to make it flow easier.

Joyful screams? To me, screaming implies terror...

"existed" could be changed to "lived". existed could a a tough one to sing well.

Love the "apple to the snake" line. Stand out line for me.

[nick b]

I agree with Jim, maybe a few changes to make it flow easier.

Joyful screams? To me, screaming implies terror...

"existed" could be changed to "lived". existed could a a tough one to sing well.

Love the "apple to the snake" line. Stand out line for me.

great, thanks, the "lived" is a great suggestion (although i think it might make that line a bit more vague, and i heard from others that they were having trouble getting that), and it does flow and sound much better. any specific areas where the flow is especially bad? i plan on changing the first two lines, they just don't seem to work right hahah. awkward emphasis or something.

also, i liked the joyful screaming line. i thought they clashed well together, but without misinterprettying what i was trying to say. i imagined like, kids jumping off heights into the river in the summer when i thought of it haha. joyful screaming. happy intensity.

anyways, thank you guys very much for the comments and suggestions! its a great help!

[emersa_guitar]

I like the lyrics a lot and I can hear a sound like Pink Floyd - Echoes going on my mind...its nice and powerful cause its bringing music to itself automatically. Try it out with some chord progressions and see if you like it. Then sing it and fix some words if required (for suitability).

Brilliant job. Would like to see it on soundclick one day.